It is a sad truth that, thanks to my stout Poe genes, I have been on nearly every diet that has ever been invented: I have been on the grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, the low-fat diet, the no yeast diet, the “eat-right-for-your-blood-type” diet, and, of course, the Atkins diet (actually, I’ve been on that one twice–the first time was way back in the1970’s, when it made its original appearance in the form of the Lo-Cal Plate: a naked hamburger patty and a scoop of cottage cheese). I have even been on diets of my own invention: during my freshman year of college, when I still ate in the dining hall, I went on the all-u-can-eat jell-o diet–which, needless to say, not only failed abysmally but also gave me a lifelong dread of brightly colored food ; in retrospect, of course, I now see that this is not an altogether bad dread to have. (Although, to be honest, I never really expected the jell-o diet to work; it was less a diet than a lifestyle choice.)
After my most recent diet ( the Atkins redux), I swore I was off all diets for good–a life vow I managed to keep for several long weeks, right up until the moment I stumbled upon the Ultimate Diet of All Time, the diet that is destined to change the face (and butt) of America: Clementine’s Forgotten Pet Diet.
The rules of this diet are so simple that even Paris Hilton could follow them (and, in fact, looks like she has been doing just that for quite some time now):to achieve optimum results, you simply have to limit yourself to eating only during those rare times when my daughter, Clementine, remembers to feed her pets. What could possibly be easier, or produce more immediate results? In fact, just thinking about how svelte Hermie the hermit crab was (right before he dried out completely and became a desiccated husk) makes me want to go ahead and order my size 2 jeans right now.
Dangerous, you say? Reckless? Mad? Of course, you would say that: genius is always scorned before it is embraced. Besides which: isn’t beauty worth it? And in any case, I’m not completely insane: there will be a system in place to make sure no one actually dies this time (recquiescat in pace, Hermie). Consider, for example, just a few of the advantages that your average dieter has over any one of Clementine’s pets. For one thing, the average dieter is almost certain to be in a much better position to miss a meal than your average Sea Monkey is(or for that matter, your Well Above Average Sea Monkey). For another thing: it’s much easier for a human to pester Clementine to fill up their feed bowl than it was for all the hermit crabs, beta fish, and parakeets that have passed through Clementine’s room(may their souls find peace). In fact, possibly the only creature who is better suited for this task than your typical dieter may be the cat, who very quickly mastered the art of lying on Clementine’s face whenever his food bowl was empty, (a move I am hoping most dieters will wait until they are closer to Kate Moss than Kate Smith to attempt.)
Still, you say, aren’t you worried about the possible health risks of jumping onto the fad diet band wagon, especially one as untested as this one? Pshaw, I reply (I really do). After all, percentage-wise, most of Clementine’s pets haven’t starved to death. Besides, it’s not as if this is a diet that’s really extreme; for that you’d need a diet that involves only eating when Congress gets around to funding African famine relief.