Not too long ago I came across a list of last year’s Oscar winners. What shocked me was not so much how many of the movies I had never seen, but rather how many of them I had never even heard of in the first place. (You’d think that the fact that I hadn’t even seen the list until midsummer would have prepared me for how out of touch with current cultural events I was, but no.) And while I suppose that I could always try catching up on my 2007 movie watching now, I’m afraid that–given my track record–it might be 2010 before I finished with the list; which, of course, would defeat the purpose of the whole thing entirely as it would therefore put me hopelessly behind again for 2008 and 2009.
Which is why I finally decided that instead of actually watching last year’s films, (or even reading a full review of them), it would be better for all concerned if I simply imagined myself watching them; this method would not only save me heaps of time but also let me avoid the frustration and annoyance I often feel whenever I do get around to watching an Oscar winner. (I still feel resentful about the two hours of my life I gave up to watch Lost in Translation.) Following then is my list of last year’s imaginary Oscar nominees, complete with matching imaginary descriptions–filtered, as always, through a parent’s eyes.
I think No Country For Old Men must have been be the latest documentary from Morgan Sporlock detailing what happens when a grandparent endures a marathon double birthday party at Peter Piper Pizza.
There Will Be Blood was a little tougher, until I heard that it contained the line, “I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!” Then it became clear that it was about the violence that follows an ill-fated trip to Baskin-Robbins during which one child steals another’s frozen treat.
Eastern Promises is about a mother who–caught up in the pre-Olympics hype–absently agreed that, “Yes, we should go to China”–and is now being pestered to do it.
Into the Wild and The Savages are both cautionary tales about what happens when you skip the weekly room clean-up inspection for 6 weeks in a row, thinking, “Oh, they’re old enough to start taking on some responsibilities now.”
Away From Her is the suspenseful drama of a mother trying to keep her six-year-old son from bothering her stressed-out eleven-year-old daughter who is trying to finish a massive school project that is due the next day.
I’m Not There is the bittersweet story of a mother’s attempt at misdirection so that she may, for once, take a bath without a crying/complaining/tattling child hanging off the doorknob and screaming, “Mom! Are you in there?”
Atonement is a moody little film about children breaking your grandmother’s antique teapot after they have been told repeatedly to leave it alone.
Gone, Baby, Gone is a tear-jerker about sending your last-born away to kindergarten, giving you the empty house you always claimed you wanted.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is a quirky little documentary about all those things which–despite their being absolutely vital to peace and happiness–repeatedly get left behind at the motel pool and not remembered until you are 100 miles down the road.
The (First) Bourne Ultimatum is one of a series of movies about the times an oldest child–drawing on her memories of being “the only one”–declares she will not put up with any more requests for “sharing.”
And finally, Once. The tale of a mother who used to see every new movie that came out, but is now reduced to only seeing those in which inanimate objects and rodents are given speaking roles–and not in a good way.