First off, let me just say that I understand the whole purpose of slang. I get that it exists not just to annoy me, but also to confuse me, because it is there not only to allow members of a group to feel included, but also so that people outside of the group—like me—feel excluded. It is a linguistic gateway, and whether or not you are able to pass through it often depends on whether or not you are hip, or hopelessly out of date. (Again, like me. Fo’ shizzle.)
So yeah, I get it. And I get that I am not supposed to understand what the words my children are using actually mean. But still, as a moderately intelligent, and at one time even slightly cool person, what I don’t get is why I am unable to figure out at least some of it. Or rather, I don’t get that while I am able to understand the words, the meaning eludes me. At least, I think it eludes me; again, even on this point I am unsure—that’s how out of the loop I am.
Let me give you an example: let’s say I ask one of my kids to stop stepping on my throw pillows with their muddy shoes. The answer I’ll get is “All right! (awl-RITE), which, judging from body language and tone, means “shut up.” Okay, that’s easy enough.
But then, let’s say I ask them not only to not step on my pillows, but also to pick them up from off of the floor. The response I’ll then get is “In a minute!” (inna-MEN-ut), which, again judging from posture and tone, is apparently slang for “shut up” as well.
To continue, let’s say I then go into the living room and point out that the pillows, which have now been trampled mercilessly for the preceding hour, are all ripped and losing their stuffing. The response then will be “It was an accident!” (et-wuz-an-AK-si-dent), which, bizarrely, also seems to be slang for “shut up.”
There are other examples as well. “I’m coming!” (ahm-KUM-ing), “Just a second!” (jest-a-SEK-ent), and “Okay!” (oh-KAY) also all seem to mean the exact same thing—you guessed it—“shut up.” (In an even odder twist—and contrary to all laws of slang—“shut up” also seems to mean “shut up,” although, being the one-way ticket to exile that it is, this phrase tends to be used much less frequently.)
Frankly, I’m not sure what this all means. On the one hand, it could signal, if not the death of slang, then at least the death of all slang dictionaries. (In the future, linguists will be able to keep track of all new words and phrases with a single three by five notebook card, upon the front of which is written “What is the meaning of ___,” and on the back, simply “shut up.”) On the other hand, though, it could mean that our language is entering a new and exciting phase, one where, like the Inuit who supposedly have over two-hundred words for “snow,” we start to develop lots and lots of new ways to say, “Stop talking to me now.”
Maybe that’s the secret to this new slang: all of the various and assorted “shut ups” are just like different types of snow, with “All right!” being the hard little stinging balls that hit you in the face, while “Fine!” is the big soft flakes that stick to your eyelashes.
No, scratch that: I’ve heard “Fine!” and it, too, is the hard stinging balls in your face. Come to think of it, I can’t imagine any way to be told to shut up that isn’t. But then again, like I said before, I don’t really understand this new slang at all.