In the past I’ve written columns about how living with children is worse than living with the most disgusting college roommate I ever had, and when I wrote those columns it was true. The other day, however, a friend of mine posted a list of all of the places he had ever lived in Flagstaff; this, of course, inspired everyone else (including me) to post back all of their Flagstaff “residences” in turn. (I put “residences” in quotations here because I’m not sure that “under a camper shell in so-and-so’s backyard” and “on Dennise’s couch” really count as “residences.” More like way stations.)
Anyway, the point is that when I listed off all of my old Flagstaff abodes (only one couch, I’m proud to say), I suddenly realized that not only had I totally forgotten one of my former residences, but also one of my former roommates. (I say “forgotten,” but it was more like “repressed.”) While I was remembering that uber-disgusting roommate from years back I finally realized two things: one, that post-college roommates can actually be more disgusting than college roommates, and two, there are worse things than living with children—like living with teenagers.
Of course, in the case of the roommate, the main problem was that he was a tweaker, and, at the time, I hadn’t yet realized what the full effects of meth were. (Just like, even now, I haven’t yet fully realized what the full effects of being a teenager are.) And yet, I think I’ve seen enough of both of them to know that things are probably going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. Which is why, in honor of all of my disgusting roommates, both past and present, I am hereby presenting my list of the six reasons why I’d rather live with a tweaker than a teenager:
1.)Sometimes tweakers go on cleaning binges.
It’s true: when this guy wasn’t out stealing stuff to try and support his habit, he was obsessing over the grout in our bathroom. And lining up the cans of food in our pantry (both of them) by size. And picking invisible pieces of lint off of his face (when I could redirect this one to the carpet he was better than a Dyson.)
2.)They don’t break your stuff.
Also true: tweakers treat your stuff very nicely, because they never know when they are going to need to steal it and pawn it. You’ll never find a tweaker listening to your ipod in the bath tub (“I was afraid I might drop mine.”), or playing basketball next to your new flat screen TV. True, they might wreck your car, but then again, at least that’s because they were high and not because they were texting. I don’t know why the one is more annoying than the other—it just is. Maybe because nobody ever gets high and tweets “Oh Em Gee!”
3.)When a tweaker tells you they hate you (or some other hurtful thing) you know it’s really the drugs that are talking. With teens, it’s their hormones. Which, really, is still them.
4.)Tweakers always have a lighter. Okay, so that’s not really an advantage, but it’s still true.
5.)You never have to take a tweaker to the orthodontist. You can’t straighten teeth that aren’t there.
6.)The worst thing you’ll ever find inside a yogurt container tossed under a tweaker’s bed is yogurt. Or maybe a cigarette butt. Definitely nothing that brings to mind that old “Saturday Night Live” sketch “It’s not yogurt.” And definitely nothing that sends you running out the door screaming and gagging at the same time.
Which reminds me: I really need to find out if Dennise’s couch is open.