There is an Amanda Palmer song that has become my theme song this Fall: it is dark, it is somber, and it is melancholy, and, well, in a word, it’s perfect. It’s called “I Have to Drive.” Actually, I began to think it might be my theme song two years ago, when Clementine first started going to school at FALA and daily trips to Cheshire became a part of my routine. (Sometimes even more frequently than daily, depending on how much she managed to forget that day. I think my record—or maybe my limit—was four trips in one day.) Then last year, when Clyde started taking dance classes four times a week in Sunnyside, it seemed an even more appropriate theme. This year, however, there is no question about it: not only is Clementine still at FALA, and Clyde is still dancing, but now he has begun to go to school at MEMS, which, as you know, is also in Sunnyside. Oh, and did I mention that both of their music lessons—which are usually right after school—are over by Harkins? Yeah: “I Have to Drive,” is right.
Their music teacher and I have discussed the feasibility of digging a secret tunnel that runs from Cheshire to South Milton. I think it could happen, if we were just organized enough. Remember how in “The Great Escape,” all the Allied POWs took turns digging the escape tunnel out of the German POW camp? Think about it: if every local who was stuck on Milton just jumped out of their cars, ran over to the tunnel, dug a few shovelfuls of dirt and then sprinted (or, if it was a Friday afternoon, strolled) back to their cars, then we could have our secret tunnel dug in no time. Alas, we will probably never be as organized as those Allied POWs, for the simple reason that now we all have smart phones. I mean, realistically, how much digging would the Greatest Generation have accomplished if they had had Angry Birds and Facebook at their fingertips?
The other option their teacher and I have discussed is installing pneumatic tubes all around town so that we could just pop a child into the tube and have them pop out a minute later at their school/dance class/music lesson. Just like when you make a deposit at the drive thru at the bank. Of course, it probably wouldn’t be very comfortable. And there would always be the chance that, just like when you try to deposit twenty dollars in pennies, they could get stuck. I think, however, if tubes were a viable option I would be willing to put up with those slight inconveniences—especially since it wouldn’t be like I was the one who was being inconvenienced. But the fact that it might also be hard on the violins and dance costumes does give me pause, not to mention that taking the tube to school would just give them yet another chance to lose their homework. (“Where’s your math homework?” “The tube ate it.”) And then there’s the little issue of them already having had a version of this in “The Jetsons,” and, if I remember correctly, even with the tubes Jane Jetson still had to drive the kids to school. In her pajamas. Which I’ve done.
So then: no tunnel, and no tubes. That just leaves two options: either my kids start doing less stuff, or everybody else and their kids starts doing less stuff, so that at least the roads are clear when I have to make my daily dash from Cheshire to Sunnyside. Any takers? (Put your hands down, dads: we all know this is a question for the moms.)
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Alright, then: cue up my theme song. School is about to get out, and I have to drive.