People who are proponents of the birth order theory (the theory that the order in which you were born into your family determines your personality traits) are always going on about how first born children tend to be stronger and more independent than later children. (This makes me think that most of the proponents of this theory are, in fact, first born children themselves). What they don’t talk about, however, and what I’ve observed in my own house, is that while first born children may very well be stronger and more independent, it is highly unlikely that those traits will contribute much to their future success, because another thing that is true about first born children is that they lack the ability to successfully get away with anything. If high school yearbooks had a “Most Likely To Get Caught” category (and I’m sure, these days, that some do), I’m positive that 99 times out of 100 the “award” would go to a first born child.
Of course, I could just be looking at things the wrong way—maybe firstborns are really no worse at getting away with stuff than other people are. Maybe it’s just that second born children (and beyond) are so much better at getting away with stuff that it makes the firstborns seem incompetent by comparison. But still: the bottom line is that later children are way better at hiding stuff than firstborns could ever hope to be. Who knows—maybe it is the firstborns themselves who bring this about. What I mean is, maybe younger children—because they grow up under the thumb of a larger, more irrational, sometimes malevolent but always irritable older sibling—quickly learn superior hiding and lying skills just to survive. Maybe they’re better at getting away with stuff because if they weren’t their older sibling would make their lives a living hell. Of course, I don’t know for sure if that’s the real reason: all I know is that if I walked into the house and smelled smoke, the oldest would still be standing there with a lit cigarette in her hand while the youngest would already be tucked away on the couch reading the Bible and swallowing the last of a breath mint.
Unfortunately for firstborns, this inability to get away with the things they have actually done also translates into the inability to get away with the things they didn’t do. Or at least things they probably didn’t do. I will admit that there are times when all it takes for me to start yelling at people is to walk in my front door. (The complete styishness of the place doesn’t help.) My youngest seems to be able to sense these moments right away, and can slip off of the couch and slide out the door so fast that it is hard not to believe he hasn’t had some sort of special forces training. My oldest, however, not only doesn’t try to escape, but will actually pick those moments to antagonize me. It’s like she is completely oblivious to the fact that the bear she is currently poking with that large stick is, in fact, outside of its cage. Outside, and ravenously hungry.
Of course, it is probably those same “bear-baiting” skills that will later on translate into the sort of strong, independent behavior that firstborns are so celebrated for, but for now I can’t help but wonder if there is a better (and certainly less irritating) way for her to learn these skills. Why can’t she strongly—and independently—clean the house before I get home from work? Or at least—strongly and independently—not actively contribute to its filthification? The whole thing makes me angry enough to growl just thinking about it. Maybe not growl—maybe just yell a little bit. At somebody.
Now where did that youngest child of mine get off to?