Although they say that eavesdroppers seldom hear anything pleasant, my experience with being an eavesdropper has been nothing but delightful. Well, except for the times when the people I am eavesdropping on start to talk about me, but even that’s not altogether unpleasant. After all, love me or hate me it’s still an obsession, right? And think about all of the juicy bits you get to hear in those brief moments when they are not talking about you. All those lovely moments when you suddenly find yourself in possession of this season’s “it” piece of gossip.
Here’s the question: are you one of those people who still experiences schadenfreude when you look through the unhappy Facebook pages of people you couldn’t stand in high school? And more importantly, are you not one of those people who reacts to every surprise with a loud gasp or a squeal? (In other words, do people avoid sitting next to you at the movies?) If the answers to the above questions are yes (except for the movie one, of course), then eavesdropping might just be the perfect hobby for you.
Yes, I must say that I would recommend a lifetime of eavesdropping to anyone. It livens up those boring solo meals, helps you find out what is going on in the world without having to actually engage with other people, and, occasionally, puts you in possession of the season’s “must have” bit of gossip. It’s awesome. Which is why I’m so very sad that my children have ended up being so very bad at it.
Just like the first rule of fight club is never to talk about fight club, the first rule of eavesdropping is to never let the people you are eavesdropping on know that you are, in fact, listening to them. This might mean pretending to read your menu over and over while you are listening to the couple at the table next to you redefine the parameters of their relationship (and looking like you really are the type of person who would snort and giggle at the burger descriptions), or snoring convincingly while the person next to you on the train discusses their symptoms with their doctor (hopefully they’re discussing them with their doctor—they sound kind of serious). Regardless of the situation, being a good eavesdropper means never alerting your target to the fact that you are listening to them, either by expressing shock, amusement, or confusion. This is a lesson my children just can’t seem to learn. Especially the part about confusion.
Without fail I will be in the middle of hearing a juicy bit of gossip, when halfway through the story one of my kids will poke their heads around the corner to ask for a clarification. “How many times did she cheat on him?” or some such question, causing the gossip well to dry up so fast it was hard to tell it was ever there in the first place. They will even do this at the expense of a bit of gossip that could benefit them: I could be just about to find out a damning tidbit about one of their mortal enemies, and right as the speaker is about to provide me with the good part (read: the blackmail worthy part) one of my children will interrupt to ask for some minor clarification that causes the tale to be put off with a knowing “I’ll tell you later.”
I’d like to think that this self-sabotage is being done because my children are better people than I am, and are trying to avoid hearing anything unpleasant about anyone, but the truth is that while they are somewhat better than I am, they aren’t that much better. Although, now that I think about it, they do probably tend to hear much better things about themselves.