If there is any aphorism that perfectly sums up the era in which we live, it would have to be: “Never read the comments.” And yet, in the same way that your tongue keeps going back to poke at a sore tooth, this is exactly what I did recently when I was reading a story about the suspended (and almost immediately reinstated) journalist Felicia Sonmez.
Sonmez was suspended for tweeting a link to a story about the 2003 rape allegations against Kobe Bryant. As a sexual assault survivor herself, this take on the very recent death of Kobe Bryant was entirely relevant to Sanchez. It was also something she had every right to do, both as a survivor, and as a journalist.
Although you would never know that by reading the comments.
According to the comments (and many main stories as well), bringing up what was arguably the darkest moment of Bryant’s life at the time of his death was inappropriate. Which, frankly, is just bizarre.
No matter what your feelings on Kobe Bryant are, or were, no one can argue that the 2003 incident was a pivotal moment for him. In the “story” of his life it was a major plot point, one that I would like to believe left him a changed man: after all, he did apologize to his victim (sort of), and he was never accused again. Additionally, I would like to believe that as he got older, and, more importantly, as his own daughters neared the age of his victim (his oldest daughter is now 17, his victim was 19 at the time), his partial apology would have one day evolved into a full one, and that as he continued his work advocating for young women in sports, his growing awareness of the unique challenges they faced would have led him to a place of greater self-reflection.
In other words, I’d like to believe that his redemption arc would have one day been complete.
We talk about life-changing mistakes all the time when we talk about the deceased. We mention the DUI that turned the inspirational speaker away from drinking. We talk about the brilliant student who only really learned to focus after they were kicked out of their first choice school. We talk about the absentee parent who rearranged their priorities only after a family tragedy. When we give eulogies, talking about a person’s “second act” isn’t only acceptable, it’s a staple.
Unless, it seems, that first act involved sexual assault. In which case, the rule seems to be “not only do we not speak of this, it actually never happened at all.”
Even though studies have shown that the number of false rape reports occur at the same rate as the number of other false felony reports (such as arson and murder), the overwhelming response from Kobe Bryant’s grieving public has been to once again deny that an assault ever occurred. This despite the fact that there was physical evidence of both intercourse and trauma, as well as the previously mentioned partial apology and a civil settlement. (Yes, she accepted money. Among other things, surviving trauma is incredibly expensive.)
This denial of the facts is not only incredibly hurtful to this particular victim, and to victims in general, but perhaps most importantly, to the memory of Kobe Bryant himself.
People are complicated. They are messy, and they are, up until the moment they die, works in progress. Celebrities, on the other hand, are apparently not—they are two dimensional caricatures who are either always good, or always evil.
If you really loved Kobe, and really want to honor his legacy, then you will allow him the dignity of dying as the former, and not the latter.
And you will allow all sexual assault victims the space to react to his death in a way that helps them complete their own hero’s journey —even in the comments sections.